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greaser_doll56

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* * *
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well. Enough said.
I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Oh...

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me?

Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly

(Though she needs you
More than she loves you)
And I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over
Over and over, la...

I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said :
"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know...

'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over, over

It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over
Love is natural and real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is natural and real
But not for such as you and I, my love

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can even feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my...
Current Music:
the smiths
* * *
Selfless as I stand
Someone takes your hand
Then leads me through the door
* * *
Why the fuck would you agree!
yeah I suggested it, yes i know its probably the better thing to do
but fuck!!!!
did i think it would hurt
yes
did i think i could do it
yes
can I?

I don't know. maybe someday but not right now
not when i wasn't ready
so why the fuck would you do it?
why
why
why
why
why
?

I hate you right now
but I really hate me

Current Mood:
angry angry
* * *
It's a funny time for me and you
And you and me
See I've been out walking
And I can't get over you
No, I can't get over you
Just take me or leave me alone
And it's not right no it's not right you say
And it's all wrong this story's wrong
And I've been out watching
I can't get over you
No, I won't get over you
Just take me or leave me alone
I've been such a fool
But it will over soon, they say
And it will over soon, one day
Just take me or leave me alone
See I've been out crying
Can't seem to let you go
Won't get the chance to know
Just take me don't leave me alone
And when we laugh
And when we laugh we cry
What makes it mad [x2]
And I can't keep trying
I can't get over over you
No, I can't get over you
Just take me or leave me alone
I've been such a fool
And it will be over soon they say
It will over soon one day
Just take me or leave me [x3]
Just take me or leave me alone
* * *
I feel so effin bipolar right now. One minute I feel excepting the next I feel regretful.
uuggh stupid emotions. I can't let you get in the way!
* * *
* * *
I cannot believe I haven't written anything in here since 2009. Through as I read back it seems like yesterday, somewhat same stories, and feelings. Since then I have had an adorable little angel sent into my life. My son. I love him so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. he is my reason for living, my reason for breathing, my reason for being. Nothing can change the love I have for him no matter what he puts me through. The only guy I will be with forever right or wrong.

Life
its crazy
one moment you are the happiest you can be
so certain and so sure
then life pulls the rug from under your feet
and your left the the hardest decision you'll ever
EVER have to make.
I know they say if you truly love something
you have to let it go
but they don't say how hard it truly is to do.
I know I have made the decision to let go
and it doesn't only hurt, it aches.
I've let go before but
it was always easier when you let anger consumer it i guess.
I guess in my mind its certainly the right thing to do
everyone deserves happiness and I would hate
myself for keeping someone from what is rightfully theirs.
Especially if its people I care for the most.

ripping out your backbone is the most painful thing
I can no longer stand straight
I can no longer speak up
all i can do is be a slug.
there.

Im a big believer that things happen for a reason
everything is a reason
I could have prevented something
i could have moved in-between
but i was really unstable to really notice
and as I look back to my thoughts an hour ago
I realize that even if i had intervened it would only have been delayed
I would have loved a delay
do things I didn't get to do
but then if i had would I be able to let go
No.
So I suppose this is the way it was meant to be
there was a reason i was meant to be unstable
a reason I took the pill
a reason i wasn't in the middle
and I can't be mad about that
I can't hate myself
Maybe this will push me to find my happiness
or even solution
but I truly think this one isn't about me


Selfless
its a wonder thing and a fucken god damn curse
Ive always put others before me and I love it
I love knowing that others are happy and
have the things that matter most even if its cost me everything
but when will it be me
no matter how much I try to focus on my happiness I just can't
I don't care if Im left with nothing and yeah i know its bad
but i cannot help it
All my life I've known Id always be the giver.
How do I change? Am I suppose to change?
is this what I'm here for? if I change will I be selfish? Bitter?
though I have been told and sometimes know I should put myself first
I don't think I ever could
Im the girl that will self-sacrifice everything
thats just me.

Im ranting I know but I have to let it out somewhere
my heart is disappearing into the sky
the sun is burning my skin dark and
it doesn't seem to matter at the moment
tears flow and I don't care to wipe them
seems like little things that matter just don't
i can't help this feelings no matter how excepting i feel
when you lose the one thing that has mattered the most its expected
Current Location:
Bed
Current Mood:
numb numb
* * *
I need someone
Who will stay with me
I need someone
Who will take me home
I need someone
Who will hold me tight
I need someone
To love

Break my limits, make me scream finish,

Take me into heaven, satisfy me

Current Location:
My room
Current Music:
Regina Spector
* * *
Geez if its not one thing its another
Im in pain!
my tooth and jaw hurts so much
I went to the dentist and had some work done
damn they hurt!
but beauty is pain...

Why is it that when you are close to one thing
something pulls you back to the other...
Things that turn me off are starting to play
is it that or is it just me...

Maybe its me!
I'm not attracted to a lot of things
and even though I dont mind a lot
there are those that get to me..
even when its no big deal at all

Sometimes things happen for a reason
there signs
but you have to make sure you are reading them
right....

Something has been on my mind
and I havent really taken it serious
I need to though
I cant find the time
nor the moment..

I know the thing I want to factor in my life
and I know the things I dont want to factor in
How do I factor that out?
life is a big ass math problem
I cant seem to find the answer
Fractions....
Current Location:
My room
Current Mood:
blah blah
* * *
The most hardest thing I had to do
The pain and confused look in the eyes
as if I'm cutting myself with a razor
I feel as if my flesh is falling off my bones
blood leaks and drips onto the floor but I didn't bother
to clean it up
I repeated and repeated this is the right choice
this is whats best
but is it?
I'm frustrated
Running in circles
chasing after my own tail like a stupid dog
confused out of my fucken mind
its a game of 'tug a war'
that I'm getting sick of
motion sickness is taking over...
My heart is aching and
even though I believe I made the right choice
there are those things that I doubt
its been a day and already I'm doubting
fear arises from every hole and every corner
in this world
Slaves, Gold Rush, and history
Nothing that has to do with anything at all
it makes no sense and it doesnt matter
but somehow it brings tears to the back of my eyes
I'm a slave to this thing called love
I hear him speaking but my mind is corrupted
I have my own history
My lips are shaking my head is spinning
my eyes water up even though I say I cannot cry
Someone hand me sunglasses
I dont want to cry in front of you
I'm lost
No one can help me
No one can tell me what to do
No one can cheer me up
I wear a mask
I hide behind my hurting eyes
I dont want to be noticed
Im driving myself crazy
I DONT WANT TO BE THE ONE TO HURT YOU
NO I DONT WANT TO BE THE ONE TO HURT YOU
Help me
I'm not so religious but
Help me god!
Give me the strength I need
I'm falling to my knees and it seems only you can help me up
Only you know where I shall be
put your hands into this mud and pull out the gold
the beauty and good of this messed up situation
Im wounded and blind
Show me the way.. Guide me

Which way to happy
and which way to hell
For I lost the directions when you threw me out
help me please
bail me out
wash off this dirt and leave the gold behind
Im close to the cliff
falling off the edge now
my wings have been broken
what do I do now?
You tell me to hold on
but my body is shaking
my mind is too weak
what do I do now?
I want to taken in a deep breath
close my eyes
and jump right off
save myself from this pain and misery baby
of this long and slow fall Im experiencing
Im pleading for strength
Pleading for the answer
Can you hear me now?
Someone pull the plug
Im going down the drain
not trying to fight it
Im standing on the wooden stage
wrapping the rope around my neck and
facing the end...
Current Location:
School
Current Mood:
aggravated aggravated
* * *
I'm lost and confused
words thoughts and memories
rush through my mind
like a million waves rushing to the shores
I"m stuck once again in the middle
just when I thought things were
bound to get better
I"m hurting and afraid
this is a big decision for me
even though its the smallest for you...
I have to do whats best
best for me
but how do I know what is the best
how can I be sure?!?!
I'm turning in circles and cant seem to stop
I'm dizzy and confused
unsure of which way I'm headed
as if I was being swung for a long period of time
My body swags side to side and
my mind is still spinning and my vision is unclear..
Where do I go.. what do I do?!?!

He was kind and great person
I fell for him immediately
nothing held us back
we were certain we're meant to be
even though we had a long distance relationship
we held hope up high
always saying "its better when we're together"
He had our own language and we were in love..
but what happened?
We were together but yet so far?
was it really better when we were together?
I looked forward to the nights he came home
waiting to see him with a dinner neatly ready
I took off his boots and rub his hard working feet
I rubbed his aching back and legs after a hard day of labor
I rubbed his face gently til he fell asleep
I woke up every morning excited to see him by my side
I covered him with kisses and tried to wake him up
surely I do miss this..
He didn't want me to start school
because he was afraid
afraid that I was going to find someone better
someone new...
We argued and I assured him
I would never leave him for anyone
In my heart of hearts I knew he was the one for me
I started school and things became distant
I woke up and again tried to wake him up before I would leave
just to spend that little time with him before he left
to work the whole day
but he wouldn't get up
and I would leave come home and wait for him
to pull up
waiting by the door like a little puppy dog waiting for
its owner
and he would walk in beat as a bat and off to bed
slowly we stopped communicating
Then he proposed and everything was great
I was happy as clown could be
but only more distant did we become!
I was sure without any doubts ready to be his wife
but he was holding back
his feet fr-ooze over and he started to slip away
My hands were covered in grease and the more I tried to squeeze tighter the
more he slipped away!
lost confused and misunderstood
I didn't know what to do
I tried and tried to reach out
but I wasn't grabbing anything
I cried out but I wasn't being heard
Slowly nothing mattered more to him but his friends
and I was hurting
my heart was slabbed from behind
I yelled and screamed and said mean things
but I only pushed him away farther and I only cut myself deeper
There was nothing left to do
nothing I could do or say would change his mind...
suddenly nothing mattered to me
I was angry hurt and sad!
The only thing to do was let go
and I did..
It was the hardest thing for me to do
I cried and cried
I honestly believed I couldn't live without this man in my life
I had become part of him and his family
I wanted nothing more to spend every minute of my life with this person
and I had to let it go
it hurt so much
but once I let go and set myself free
I realized he didn't come looking for me
I knew that he honestly feel out of love with me
and when I seen the photographs of him enjoying himself
I knew I couldn't put my life on hold
and I need to move on...
What was I suppose to do
keep on waiting for him to realize he wanted me
and then I began questioning..
do we really love each other still or
is it that he is all I know and I'm just so use to him
that I feel like I have to be with him...
is it the same for him?

Someone new was sent into my life
and I'm not sure why?
There is something different with this
guy and I cant put my finger on it....
he is kind and passionate
patient and respectful
He picked me up when I was down and
he turned my frown upside down
he listened when I had something to say
and he opened up to me as well
he gently touched my heart and
made me feel the love I had been longing to feel for so long
he opened my door and made me giggle
Every time I'm with him the sun arose in
my dark and shattered world..
pieces fixed themselves together and
all my hidden sadness vanished
His touches are gentle and his eyes are soft
everyday was a great day looking forward to see that other
person that you know for a fact is waiting to see you
its the beginning love jitters that get my heart
but I wonder how long will this last?


So how do I choose
the guy I almost married and deeply care for
or the guy who was there for me when things were hard
even tho he doesn't know it...
the guy who I did everything for or
the guy who is doing everything for me
the guy who knows me better than anyone else
or the guy that is barely getting to know me
the selfish or selfless....

What if I choose none
will things work out better for me
was he just here to pick me up and
I'm suppose to move on
or is there another reason why he was brought into my
life at such a moment?
Is he here to show me there is better out in this world
or is it fate that brought us together.
Or is it none of these at all......

Was this all for my ex to realize what he has done and
better himself without me or with me...
Was this just a stepping stone in our relationship.
If we go back will things be the same
will he ask me to stop talking to my friends

Friends..
I was with my ex since I was 16
And I left all my friends (bc they were guys)
and my girlfriends bc they weren't so innocent
All I was left was with one good friend!
one great friend
and one friend
3 girls
one became distant and the other left to the marines
leaving me with that one good true friend
16-20 years old with only one friend that is mine
and all the others were our friends/his friends
After we broke up I had no other real friends
people from school didn't invite me out bc my ex had never
let me go and now that we were broken up
I had no one really but the college buddies
and they have became great friends to me
20 years old and I finally get a group of my own friends
if I go back with him
I'll have to lose the friends I made
is it worth it?
will he even want me to continue at my college....

Will he throw it back in my face that I let
someone close to me!
Will he trust me
will he make me move out that way...
Will he forever hold things against me
would we be happy
or constantly fighting...

Will I think of this other guy the times I'm with him...
or will it be the other way around...
I'm lost and confused

This guy makes me happy and I haven't felt like this in a while
As
I look back here on my journal
I've realize I haven't been happy in a long time...

What will I do?...
Current Location:
My room
Current Mood:
confused confused
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