greaser_doll56

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 06:01:41 GMT

I need someone
Who will stay with me
I need someone
Who will take me home
I need someone
Who will hold me tight
I need someone
To love

Break my limits, make me scream finish,

Take me into heaven, satisfy me

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 19:33:11 GMT

Geez if its not one thing its another
Im in pain!
my tooth and jaw hurts so much
I went to the dentist and had some work done
damn they hurt!
but beauty is pain...

Why is it that when you are close to one thing
something pulls you back to the other...
Things that turn me off are starting to play
is it that or is it just me...

Maybe its me!
I'm not attracted to a lot of things
and even though I dont mind a lot
there are those that get to me..
even when its no big deal at all

Sometimes things happen for a reason
their signs
but you have to make sure you are reading them
right....

Something has been on my mind
and I havent really taken it serious
I need to though
I cant find the time
nor the moment..

I know the thing I want to factor in my life
and I know the things I dont want to factor in
How do I factor that out?
life is a big ass math problem
I cant seem to find the answer
Fractions....

No more bleeding heart

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 21:22:43 GMT

The most hardest thing I had to do
The pain and confused look in the eyes
as if I'm cutting myself with a razor
I feel as if my flesh is falling off my bones
blood leaks and drips on the floor but I didn't bother
to clean it up
I repeated and repeated this is the right choice
this is whats best
but is it?
I'm frustrated
Running in circles
chasing after my own tail like a stupid dog
confused out of my fucken mind
its a game of 'tug a war'
I'm getting sick of
motion sickness is taking over...
My heart is aching and
even though I believe I made the right choice
there are those things that doubt me
its been a day and already I'm doubting
fear arises from every hole and every corner
in this world
Slaves, Gold Rush, and history
Nothing that has to do with anything at all
it makes no sense and it doesnt matter
but somehow it brings tears to the back of my eyes
I'm a slave to this thing called love
I hear him speaking but my mind is corrupted
I have my own history
My lips are shaking my head is spinning
my eyes water up even though I say I cannot cry
Someone hand me sunglasses
I dont want to cry in front of you
I'm lost
No one can help me
No one can tell me what to do
No one can cheer me up
I wear a mask
I hide behind my hurting eyes
I dont want to be noticed
Im driving myself crazy
I DONT WANT TO BE THE ONE TO HURT YOU
NO I DONT WANT TO BE THE ONE TO HURT YOU
Help me
I'm not so religious but
Help me god!
Give me the strength I need
I'm falling to my knees and it seems only you can help me up
Only you know where I shall be
put your hands into this mud and pull out the gold
the beauty and good of this messed up situation
Im wounded and blind
Show me the way.. Guide me

Which way to happy
and which way to hell
For I lost the directions when you threw me out
help me please
bail me out
wash off this dirt and leave the gold behind
Im close to the cliff
falling off the edge now
my wings have been broken
what do I do now?
You tell me to hold on
but my body is shaking
my mind is too weak
what do I do now?
I want to taken in a deep breath
close my eyes
and jump right off
save myself from this pain and misery baby
of this long and slow fall Im experiencing
Im pleading for strength
Pleading for the answer
Can you hear me now?
Some pull the plug
Im going down the drain
not trying to fight it
Im standing on the wooden stage
wrapping the rope around my neck and
facing the end...

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 06:14:34 GMT

I'm lost and confused
words thoughts and memories
rush through my mind
like a million waves rushing to the shores
I"m stuck once again in the middle
just when I thought things were
bound to get better
I"m hurting and afraid
this is a big decision for me
even though its the smallest for you...
I have to do whats best
best for me
but how do I know what is the best
how can I be sure?!?!
I'm turning in circles and cant seem to stop
I'm dizzy and confused
unsure of which way I'm headed
as if I was being swung for a long period of time
My body swags side to side and
my mind is still spinning and my vision is unclear..
Where do I go.. what do I do?!?!

He was kind and great person
I fell for him immediately
nothing held us back
we were certain we're meant to be
even though we had a long distance relationship
we held hope up high
always saying "its better when we're together"
He had our own language and we were in love..
but what happened?
We were together but yet so far?
was it really better when we were together?
I looked forward to the nights he came home
waiting to see him with a dinner neatly ready
I took off his boots and rub his hard working feet
I rubbed his aching back and legs after a hard day of labor
I rubbed his face gently til he fell asleep
I woke up every morning excited to see him by my side
I covered him with kisses and tried to wake him up
surely I do miss this..
He didn't want me to start school
because he was afraid
afraid that I was going to find someone better
someone new...
We argued and I assured him
I would never leave him for anyone
In my heart of hearts I knew he was the one for me
I started school and things became distant
I woke up and again tried to wake him up before I would leave
just to spend that little time with him before he left
to work the whole day
but he wouldn't get up
and I would leave come home and wait for him
to pull up
waiting by the door like a little puppy dog waiting for
its owner
and he would walk in beat as a bat and off to bed
slowly we stopped communicating
Then he proposed and everything was great
I was happy as clown could be
but only more distant did we become!
I was sure without any doubts ready to be his wife
but he was holding back
his feet fr-ooze over and he started to slip away
My hands were covered in grease and the more I tried to squeeze tighter the
more he slipped away!
lost confused and misunderstood
I didn't know what to do
I tried and tried to reach out
but I wasn't grabbing anything
I cried out but I wasn't being heard
Slowly nothing mattered more to him but his friends
and I was hurting
my heart was slabbed from behind
I yelled and screamed and said mean things
but I only pushed him away farther and I only cut myself deeper
There was nothing left to do
nothing I could do or say would change his mind...
suddenly nothing mattered to me
I was angry hurt and sad!
The only thing to do was let go
and I did..
It was the hardest thing for me to do
I cried and cried
I honestly believed I couldn't live without this man in my life
I had become part of him and his family
I wanted nothing more to spend every minute of my life with this person
and I had to let it go
it hurt so much
but once I let go and set myself free
I realized he didn't come looking for me
I knew that he honestly feel out of love with me
and when I seen the photographs of him enjoying himself
I knew I couldn't put my life on hold
and I need to move on...
What was I suppose to do
keep on waiting for him to realize he wanted me
and then I began questioning..
do we really love each other still or
is it that he is all I know and I'm just so use to him
that I feel like I have to be with him...
is it the same for him?

Someone new was sent into my life
and I'm not sure why?
There is something different with this
guy and I cant put my finger on it....
he is kind and passionate
patient and respectful
He picked me up when I was down and
he turned my frown upside down
he listened when I had something to say
and he opened up to me as well
he gently touched my heart and
made me feel the love I had been longing to feel for so long
he opened my door and made me giggle
Every time I'm with him the sun arose in
my dark and shattered world..
pieces fixed themselves together and
all my hidden sadness vanished
His touches are gentle and his eyes are soft
everyday was a great day looking forward to see that other
person that you know for a fact is waiting to see you
its the beginning love jitters that get my heart
but I wonder how long will this last?

So how do I choose
the guy I almost married and deeply care for
or the guy who was there for me when things were hard
even tho he doesn't know it...
the guy who I did everything for or
the guy who is doing everything for me
the guy who knows me better than anyone else
or the guy that is barely getting to know me
the selfish or selfless....

What if I choose none
will things work out better for me
was he just here to pick me up and
I'm suppose to move on
or is there another reason why he was brought into my
life at such a moment?
Is he here to show me there is better out in this world
or is it fate that brought us together.
Or is it none of these at all......

Was this all for my ex to realize what he has done and
better himself without me or with me...
Was this just a stepping stone in our relationship.
If we go back will things be the same
will he ask me to stop talking to my friends

Friends..
I was with my ex since I was 16
And I left all my friends (bc they were guys)
and my girlfriends bc they weren't so innocent
All I was left was with one good friend!
one great friend
and one friend
3 girls
one became distant and the other left to the marines
leaving me with that one good true friend
16-20 years old with only one friend that is mine
and all the others were our friends/his friends
After we broke up I had no other real friends
people from school didn't invite me out bc my ex had never
let me go and now that we were broken up
I had no one really but the college buddies
and they have became great friends to me
20 years old and I finally get a group of my own friends
if I go back with him
I'll have to lose the friends I made
is it worth it?
will he even want me to continue at my college....

Will he throw it back in my face that I let
someone close to me!
Will he trust me
will he make me move out that way...
Will he forever hold things against me
would we be happy
or constantly fighting...

Will I think of this other guy the times I'm with him...
or will it be the other way around...
I'm lost and confused

This guy makes me happy and I haven't felt like this in a while
As
I look back here on my journal
I've realize I haven't been happy in a long time...

What will I do?...

<333

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 05:27:33 GMT

There is one person who means the world to me. And you know who you are….
Living without you is like a pencil with no lead... Pointless! I could never ever get mad at you and you can never get me mad. We think the same and can always complete each others sentences. I can tell you anything without you ever judging me and vise versa. We can be together and absolutely do nothing and still have a blast. We've had so many great times together and those memories will always be remembered. I am so thankful and grateful that I have this person in my life. And glad to be in yours. You are the best friend a girl can have. I love you Micho!!!

<333

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 05:02:55 GMT

Something I wrote the other day...

Why are things so complicated? Why do you fuck with my head? You tell me one thing and then switch it up to another. My mind is spinning and I can’t seem to make it stop. You tell me you love me then you treat me like I’m just some other bitch. I tried more than once and I end up in the same square I started off in. anyways I guess I can say I’M NOT MAD IM JUST DONE!!!!

Part of me wishes it never got this far.

My Top Males...

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 02:20:03 GMT

So I was watching TV and they were showing the top ten hottest male and female actors. I total disagree in their choice but I guess everyone has their own preference. So here is mine. They are not in order of best to worst or worst to best.

My Hottest Male Actors:

1. Kuno Becker

2. James Franco

3. Rob Low

4. Heroin Bob

5. Robert Rusler

6. Jim Strugess

7. Mars Callahan

8. Orlando Bloom

9. Johnny Depp

10. Brandon Routh

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 02:03:58 GMT

So my teacher wants us to start writing in a journal. I asked about livejournal and she agreed as long as I printed it out towards the end. I guess it’s cool just that I know have to really try to write in it everyday. Can’t promise it but I will try my hardest. So here are some questions I have to answer in today journal it’s not everyday that I have to write what she wants. Uugghhh… these are not in order.

Ten things I dislike:

1. When people abbreviate my name
2. Writing in mechanical pencils
3. Traffic
4. The feeling of being forced
5. When people try to hide things from you.
6. When you smile at someone and they don’t smile back
7. Being affectionate in public (like holding hands and kissing; making out)
8. When people assume
9. Being taken for granted
10. hypocrites, lairs, rumors, and fake people

Tens things I like:

1. When people respect you
2. Listening to music
3. Watching movies in bed
4. Sowing
5. Guitar
6. Honesty
7. Shows
8. Shoes
9. Purses
10. Clothing ( Fashion)

Five things I love to do:

1. Sowing purses and clothing
2. Knitting
3. Playing my guitar
4. Writing
5. Photography

Distorted

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 06:22:21 GMT

Social Distortion show was so fucken badass one of my best nights ever! I got a pick that mike played with. I'm going to cherish it forever! I'm looking forward to going again but taking my family and my best friend. Eeeekkkk!!!! Can't wait!
Other hand that uuugghhh I don’t know. Have you ever looked forward to something but when that time comes you don’t even know why you were looking forward to it because all it did was put you in misery. I have and let me tell you it fucken sucks. It feels as if my heart was tied to a bumper and dragged across the fucken world! I felt my heart beating through my chest. The mark was left and it’s never the same. Its one of those times that you wish never did because if you wouldn’t have everything would be peachy right. It’s such a tired game! Man, will it ever stop? Have you ever done anything that can be so innocent but look so wrong to someone else? Like for an example you hold an alcohol beverage for someone else and someone sees you holding the bottle and they start thinking of you wrong. All they see is you and the bottle not knowing the story behind it. And words cannot change the way they think because actions are stronger than words. Things aren't always just what they seem. I want to turn the whole thing upside. I’m losing hope. And losing hope is easy when your only friend is gone and every time you look around Well, it all, it all just seems to change. I’m sitting around feeling so far away. So far away but I can still feel the debris. Can you feel it?

Update!

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 04:38:46 GMT

So it has been a while since I really wrote anything in my journal so here is an update…

It’s the beginning of a new year, boy do the years fly by so quick. School is going pretty good. I happen to love Cerritos College and the classes I am attending. Photography isn’t as easy as everyone really thinks. There is so much more than just pointing your camera and clicking the button. I love that class and can’t wait to start developing my own film. I met so many new people in my classes even a 65 year old man who has the hots for me.
Have you ever considered someone a friend only to come to the conclusion that they are not a real friend at all? I had three good friends not the kind of friends that you hang out with once in a while. But the kind that you spent everyday with, the ones who knew things about you that others didn’t. These friends are the ones you do things for each other without asking anything in return, the ones you trust with your possessions, the ones you know will never turn their backs on you and they are there through thick and thin… I have come to realize that out of those three friends only one is a real friend. She is genuine. But I guess its all right people come and go all the time.
Have you ever talked to someone you care for and you experience and awkward silence? Don’t you just hate that? Have you ever done something that you know a care one isn’t fond of? But instead of telling you how they really feel about it they just act as if nothing, yet you know something is wrong. You ask and ask but the response you get is “who am I to say” even if that’s not the exact words. Hello you’re someone I care for you do have a say so! They say they care but when you do something wrong they act as if they don’t give a damn. I mean like why hide it? Maybe they don’t want to start an argument or anything. So I guess it’s cool. I just had to let that out.
I feel like playing my guitar because my head hurts like hell. I get the classic guitar tomorrow hopefully if he brings it to me. I haven’t played that baby in a long ass time! (Exciting) I have to go to Hollywood tomorrow morning hopefully isn’t raining plus Social Distortion concert! So everything is going to go pretty good and I’m looking forward to it. I love Mike Ness even though he is getting old I would still do him in a heartbeat.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 02:16:49 GMT

It's not everday
that i find a person quite like you
perfect every way
i finally found the nerve to confess that it's you - that i want
i don't care if i act a fool
i would damn near beg for you !
put aside, all my pride
so don't keep me hanging here
cause this girl is falling stupid for you..
stupid for you..

the proper thing to do
is for me to act like a lady and wait
for you to make the first move
but i don't think you're getting the point
that it's you - that i want
i don't care if i act a fool
i would damn near beg for you
put aside, all my pride
so don't keep me waiting here
cause this girl is falling stupid for you!
oh, oh stupid for you

why's it always feel like i am
chasing love when nothing's there
and here i go just making the same mistake...

i've fallen stupid for you..

FOR FANS OF COLOR TATTOOS

Thu, 10 May 2007 04:00:21 GMT

NIKKO IS ALSO ANOTHER GREAT OF MY FRIENDS WHO DOES TATTOOS...
NIKKO HAS BEEN TATTOOING FOR A REALLY LONG TIME AND IS ONE OF THE BEST COLOR

tattoos by my two friends carlos

Mon, 07 May 2007 03:52:09 GMT

MY BROTHERS TATTOOS BY CARLOS ROJAS

day of the dead

senorita

MY SISTERS TATTOO BY CARLOS ROJAS

I love lucy

OTHER WORK BY CARLOS ROJAS

COME BACK NEXT WEEK TO SEE MORE TATTOOS BY CARLOS AND ANOTHER FRIEND NIKKO WHO DOES REALLY GOOD IN COLOR!!!

so much to say...

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 05:32:00 GMT

So were do I start there is so much I have to catch up on….
While I went to one of my cousin’s b-day parties
and I was so upset because I thought
I wasn’t going so I felt like I changed my plans for nothing.
Don’t you hate when that happens!
But I ended up going and my boyfriend went as well
He showed up with his friend jimmy and his girl
We drank and talked it was ok
I got my boyfriend to dance a little so that was cool
well Im back at home for a bit anyways..
The next day we came to my house to watch the fight
His dad won the money it wasn’t that much
But it was something you know
They stayed here pretty late but I enjoyed it
I love having my boyfriend and his family’s company
So last week I hoped we could go see a movie
But we couldn’t see each other which was fine because
I get to see him during spring break
We our going away for a vacation with his family
I cant wait it’s going to be
One of the best birthday present ever...
BACK TO THE MOVIES
instead I went to see a play with my friend
It was whatever extra credit is extra credit
After we went to pick up michos little sister
And then went to the sports and arts complex
I saw a really old friend named Gerardo there
We go way back I haven’t seen him in a long time
After we saw micho’s mentor we left and decided
To go to mickys D and eat
Yeah you know my fatass I love to eat
Except one of my friends and I disagreed and well lets just say
It didn’t end a great night
It’s sad to see friends stray away
But that’s life I guess I wish some could learn
To forgive and forget but you can’t force that on anyone
I guess the friends that stay until the end are your true friends
Well I hope things brighten up and our sun comes out again
To light our face and brighten our days

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 02:12:32 GMT

When Italian artist Guido Daniele was hired by an advertising agency to create body painting of animals, he loved the idea. "I researched each animal in depth to see how I could transfer it to a hand, and then set about bringing it to life." The hardest part of his job is watching his creations disappear down the drain after they're photographed. "I'm getting used to it," Daniele shrugs. "At least I get to start each day with a fresh canvas." Guido Daniele lives and works in Milan .

Not Myself

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 03:34:43 GMT

I haven’t been feeling like myself at all recently…
It’s weird to explain but I don’t feel like myself anymore
Its like I am losing myself and I don’t know what to… I don’t feel like doing what I use to.. like to
I try talking to my friends and to tell the truth I just really can’t
They all talk like any other day
Usually I am talking just as much or even more
And now
I’m just quite like I’m hiding in the corner and I don’t want anyone to notice
I don’t want to be here at all anymore
I don’t even like the things I used to like anymore
A fraction of me wants to get away
Just take off somewhere really really far
Where no one knows me at all
I can just cut my hair and start off new
just an entire new me!
But not like in the united states
I want to go to another country
And just take the things that matter most to me and nothing else
Maybe like three things I cannot live without
I guess I just want to flee from all my troubles
I been scared a lot lately
I’ve been doing things I know aren’t to healthy but I persist to do them
I know that its bad but I can’t help it
What am I suppose to do I can’t be myself
It’s like who am I?
I don’t even know that’s the sad part
I use to be so nice and sweet
And now I feel as if I’m nothing
Nothing at all… I’m someone else and I don’t want to be that someone else
I know it’s weird and confusing but I guess you have to be in my shoes right
So let me show you…
All the foods you loved to eat taste like nothing anymore
All the things that made you smile don’t even matter
All the things that were your favorite are worthless
All the cloths you wore don’t make you feel comfortable
All the things you’ve worked hard at became pointless
All the things you dreamed of doing are nothing but a faded thought
What do I want to do?
I don’t know anymore, I just don’t know
And he doesn’t understand but then again who does
Maybe I do need a change
I have to stop being such a bitch and I have to stop hiding in my corner
I feel like a bird that healed from a busted wing trying to learn to fly again and as soon as I start to fly I gunshot down.

Whats wrong with me

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 01:23:17 GMT

It’s true I am not… I’m not the best person in the world. Growing up I have made so many mistake, mistakes that I regret till this day! I’m not the best daughter or the greatest like I should be. Instead of hearing I am proud I hear I am disappointed. I am not the best or greatest sibling like I should be instead of hearing you’re the best sis I hear fuck sis. I’m not the best or the greatest Girlfriend like I should be. Instead of making him happy I make him mad, instead of making him love me I make him hate me. Instead of making him proud I put him down…. What’s wrong with me! What kind of monster am I! Why can’t I just make everyone around me proud. They all deserve better then me. I just wish I could be better for them.

From the bottom of my heart...

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 21:39:24 GMT

It’s been a while and within this time not once have I stopped loving him. I have been patient, passionate, and devoted. When we are together I feel as if I am on the top of the world. I feel different about myself, about our relationship, and about my life. It’s like… I inhale a cleaner air, I observe a brighter sun, and I taste the beauty of life. Why is it that he makes all these wonders occur? Why is that when I look into his eyes I get astray, but I’m not frightened. I feel secure especially when he holds me in his arms… nothing is better then being in his arms. I always look forward to the days we get to spend together, and fritter away the days between. At times I want to sleep them away, for time passes quicker that waySometimes we all take for granted the precious rewards we gain in our existence… why? Why is it that things are never enough for us? We receive a thousand dollars and we are fine, but within time we are striving for more… it wasn’t enough. And now we are more money hungrier than before but no matter how much we get we won’t be satisfied. We are given the most valuable gift of life by your parents, but within time we are asking for the stars from them… it wasn’t enough. And now we are more power hungrier then before, but no matter what car they buy us, what party they throw us, no matter what we get we won’t be satisfied. You receive the most treasured possession from the love of your life to hold in your hands and protect from destruction the most trusting and important job a loved one can give you… it wasn’t enough. Day after day you take it for granted… I gave you my heart what more can you ask for? I am more truthful than any individuals that will cross your path but yet you overlook that fact. I know we are not the closest distance wise but we are close love wise… look our relationship needs more communication then others. Are you not strong enough…

Great Mind of Willy M.

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 06:07:30 GMT

I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees
I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease
I wanna be cooler than t.v.
For all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be
We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe
We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need
We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.

On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.

I wanna see through all the lies of society
To the reality, happiness is at stake
I wanna hold up my head with dignity
Proud of a life where to give means more than to take
I wan't to live beyond the modern mentality
Where paper is all that you're really taught to create
Do you remember the forgotten America?
Justice, equality, freedom to every race?
Just need to get past all the lies and hypocrisy
Make up and hair to the truth behind every face
That look around to all the people you see,
How many of them are happy and free?
I know it sounds like a dream
But it's the only thing that can get me to sleep at night
I know it's hard to believe
But it's easy to see that something here isn't right
I know the future looks dark
But it's there that the kids of today must carry the light.

On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.

If i'm afraid to catch a dream
I weave your baskets and i'll float them down the river stream
Each one i weave with words i speak to carry love to your relief.

I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees
I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease
I wanna be cooler than t.v.
For all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be
We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe
We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need
We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.

On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew

Will i be good enough?

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 05:35:02 GMT

I have been thinking a lot about life and why thing happen the way they do. I always had a plan for when I graduate even if it’s changed a goggle of times, but now that I am closer and closer to that point I don’t have a plan anymore. I don’t even know what I want to do the rest of my life or with my future career. Millions of questions are floating through my mind. Everyone seems to know where he or she is going… I feel like the only one without a good head on my shoulder. I only know one thing I want to do with my life and that’s spending it with the one I love, but I come to think what if that’s not what’s in his plans. What if he doesn’t want to spend his with me… where does that leave me? I know I want to go to school but I don’t know what I want to study. I know I want to have a family with my love and raise my children right, but what if I don’t have time will I have to become a stay at home mother. Will my husband want me home all the time? Will he get tired of me? What if I’m not a good enough mother or a good enough wife? I fear the thought of getting a divorce… Then I’ll be a divorcee with all my kids and what if I don’t even get to keep my children… I’ll be one BIG failure in life. I guess all I have is fear but I know I have to get rid of my fears or else my fears will get rid of me. I guess I need to live my life day-by-day see what happens and strive to succeed.

Update

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 05:15:44 GMT

So yeah seriously I was really hurt on the weekend… Its weird how much words can hurt really really bad. Even though they are just words its like someone is stabbing your heart on accident or purposely. Getting stabbed by words is one of the worst feelings, especially when it’s by someone you love or care for. For instance, when your parents say “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed in you.” or when your loved one says something really cruel but deep down they don’t mean it. I know I say things that may hurt people but after experiencing what I did I don’t think I would ever want to hurt someone I care for that bad. Well even though things are now patched up… I still think about it and well to tell the truth it still hurts. I know I forgiven and now it’s in the past but I can’t help it. You know… I went out and all I can think about was how bad my heart was hurting and throbbing all night. The pain was so awful I would rather jump off an airplane without a parachute.

I know a tiger can’t change its stripes cause that’s who you are, but a tiger can change their evil ways. So why do people always say that shit? I have come to the conclusion that a tiger can change its ways with just the effort and willingness the tiger has. Without willing to, of course the tiger can’t. That’s when you have to make the choice… You know when the tiger isn’t willing when you see no difference. Don’t let the tiger fool you when it does for a while but falls back on its evil ways. No matter how much you try to convince the tiger that he needs to change... it wont work, for the tiger has to see it himself. So I have now came to another conclusion “put my foot down” If the tiger can’t change I can’t stay and that’s final!!!! And if the tiger doesn’t believe it then he’ll see it. I am stronger then the tiger and can get by without his stripes, I just wish I didn’t have too.

Well back to my scary dreams… I still been having these freaky nightmares and what is even more freaky is that yesterday when I woke up and my mother had barely gotten home from work and she told me she had a bad dream…. So I asked her what it was about. She told me she dreamt that I was taken and killed along with my niece. When I asked how I was killed she said that I was suffocated. Ok how trippy is that we both had a dream where I was suffocated to death. I’m starting to get really scared now that its not even funny anymore. I told my mom about mine and now she’s scared too. You know sometimes dreams are trying to tell you something… is it telling me that I’m going to DIE soon or what? Should I stop going out and start staying at home now? Am I even safe at home? I hope this all passes and I’m okay at the end.

I HATE THIS

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 00:58:22 GMT

I really hate this… We are talking and I’m in a happy mood and he’s not… So I know I kept asking him if he was going out tonight but I really wanted to know… not for any real reason I just want to know what my boyfriend is doing tonight. So he is all grouchy and frustrated so I ask him what’s wrong… he tells me that I’m trying to make him blow up so I have a good reason to go out to night… ok wtf I’m trying to talk to him and he’s not even listening, he already told me the other day he was thinking of going out and its not like I sayin well fine I’m going out to do something too… Whatever I hung up! It pisses me off!! Like sick status… it's like he wants me to do that because he thinks that’s what I wanted… well he is thinking wrong because if there is anything I really want to do is stay home and talk to him…

My nightmare

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 22:39:16 GMT

So Last night I finally told someone personally about my nightmare... Yeah I told my best friend.... My love... and
Now I will tell you. See In my nightmare I am with my boyfriend. We were at some place I have never been before and it was night time maybe around midnight. We are walking in the dark holding hands, talking, and laughing. It's all so great and feels so real. I could feel the wind blowing in my face my arms are trying to keep warm inside my coat and my legs are freezing cause I'm wearing a dress. I could feel his warmth next to me and our hands locked together. Then out of nowhere he is gone... he just disappeared. I start looking around for him calling his name, but still I can’t find him. I start getting very scared and start getting mad thinking he is playing a practical joke on me. So I start yelling "Babe This Isn't Funny, Come out" "Please" but still nothing. He is nowhere to be found. All of a sudden someone puts a black trash bag over my head... I start kicking and trying to scream but all I’m doing is try to get air as I gag. I can feel it... But I see myself with a bag over my head. As try to free myself, I rip a hole into the bag but then another bag is placed over. They start to tape my neck and then my hands. I can’t remember the rest but then I see my body lying in a street with my arms taped to the back and a black bag over my head, my neck taped and my red dress it all up. People are all around looking at me some were screaming and others calling the police. Then I see my parents worried because I didn’t come home last night sitting in the living room with my boyfriend just waiting to hear something from me. Apparently I was never with my boyfriend he had been at my house all day and night with my parents waiting for me. Then the police knock on the door and they tell my parents and boyfriend the news that they found my body suffocated and raped in the street, they also mention I was 1 month... yeah I was going to have a baby. My parents and boyfriend were taken to see my body at a hospital and when they saw my face I saw my face. It was purple and blue and my mouth was open and I looked all worried.... That’s when I wake up. Its scary to say but I’m haunted by the very look of my own face. I wake up crying every night; I'm even scared to go to sleep but every time I dream about it, it goes a little farther will it ever end!!!! Will I see my killer, how many times do I have to keep having this dream until it finishes, do I want to wake up every night crying I don’t know. It just scares the shit out of me. </span></p>

V-day

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 06:47:48 GMT

So today is V-DAY!! I went to see Music and Lyrics today with my boyfriend it was really good. I liked it allot it was cute and funny.... I want to buy that movie and the soundtrack cause the songs are really really catchy. I was like singing all the way to dinner lol. We went to eat at one of my favorite of my favorite spots D pizza. It was nice with jazz players and candle light dinner. We ate allot umm yummy I felt like really fat cause the waitress kept asking if she can take our plates but we kept telling her we weren't finished. Haha it was funny!! We sat and ate while talking about my stupid stories!!! My boyfriend was probably dying with my conversations I could imagine him thinking to himself "Oh god get me out of here" haha. Well time went by and it was time for us to head out since he had a long long way home. Long long way away from me... that’s the only sad part. I HATE IT so much with a passion. I want him to move closer or something but great things come for those who are patient. I pray it doesn’t go back to the same old bullshit fighting and stressing and killing each other with our words. I can't take it...I want to pull out all my hair or just slip. It changes though when we are together it so so so so so so so so so so so GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I made him a CD I don’t know if he really liked it. I hope he did I’m scared he didn't and he is just telling me he did. I spent like three days getting all the songs together and a whole day to make the cover. It was so hard and frustrating it made me so mad but the things we do for our loved ones. I have a big knot on my back from being on the computer all those hours never in my life have I’ve been on the computer for so many hours straight. It hurts really bad like killing me bad.... So he better love that CD. I named it HEART & SOUL cause he is my heart and soul. I LOVE him but sometimes I feel like I love him too much I don’t know if that’s a good thing or bad. I hope good cause I love my man...

scary shit...

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 22:46:12 GMT

So yea!!! I'm so happy he is coming over today.... Hopefully... I pray that that everything goes good.... I kind of know it will because it’s always better when we're together.... I can’t wait to see him. "I want to kiss him then punch him in the face" lol.Well lately I’ve been having a scary nightmares its the same one over and over I wake up crying.... or scared shitless... sometimes I get scared to go to sleep.... I haven't really told anybody that I’m afraid to go to sleep.... not even him... I guess I'll feel stupid but o well. The only ones who will know are those who read this entry.... I really want them to stop I get the chills even thinking about them. Sometimes I forget what there about... I guess it’s a good thing...When I remember my dream I’ll let you know....